Pet Semetary Should Play Dead

Pet SemetaryIt’s hard to say goodbye to our pets. They bring such joy to our lives when they beg for food throughout the entirety of dinner or chew through pillows, so it’s difficult to imagine a life without them.

But if they came back with a missing eyeball, a constantly loud hiss, and the intention to kill your family, maybe saying goodbye wouldn’t be so hard after all.

That’s the dilemma Louis, played by Jason Clarke, faces when he moves his family out to the Middle of Nowhere, Massachusetts. Life was a fur ball of happiness until his neighbor Judd, played by John Lithgow, introduced Louis to the Pet Semetary on his property.

When Louis’s cat dies, Judd helps him burry it at the Semetary (on Halloween night on the side of a dangerous cliff, of course).

The next day, the cat is back alive and kicking, or shall I say, scratching. This raises the question: could Louis resurrect anything or anyone?

Here’s a better question: could you watch this movie without rolling your eyes ten times?

I’m all for horror films, but there are plenty throw-away titles in the genre that follow the same

 formulaic grave plot, and Pet Semetary fits right in.

There aren’t any natural thrills, but rather, plenty of cheap jump scares.

The film features more jump scares than there are natural thrills. It doesn’t try to scare you by the terror slowly unraveling, but through a truck driving really fast in front of the house.

The plot’s as exciting as the cheap thrills.

It does take a nice twist towards the middle, but it goes completely off the rails towards the end.

There came a point where I motioned for my shovel and was ready to dig a spot for myself because I couldn’t take the absurdity.

With a culmination of the flat frights and laughable story, it’s a fast moving truck towards disaster that Clarke and Lithgrow can’t stop.

They’re both respectable actors, but their standards dropped to six feet under this time.

Your time and money will be in the same place too. Instead of visiting the Pet Semetary, just hold your dearest pet close for the night and watch Air Bud.

It’s a much less worry free option, that is, until the litter box is kicked over again.