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Last updateWed, 13 Nov 2019 12pm

Features

Digital Demise: The Social Media Takeover

social-media

We’re under attack, and it isn’t looking good. The ear-splitting echo of white noise permeates the air like the slow trickle of acid rain. There is no silence. There is no calm. There is nothing but the sound of droning ma­chines in a world that is overflowing with media madness.

They walk among us, of that we can be sure. They are the technologically obsessed: a generation of unimagi­native, unqualified, and unrelenting robots. Gone are the days when you spent up six and a half minutes listen­ing to the demonic calling of America Online at your computer desk. Stay tuned for an all-access pass to an in­stant 21st century-style hell.

As social media and electronics continue to take over the world, what used to be considered a precious trea­sure is now the cause of a complete lack of concentration, unspeakable communication skills, and a society filled with half-wits who can’t form sentences longer than their 150 char­acter limits allow.

Pretty soon the entire universe is going to be speaking in Internet slang. “OMG, LOL, R U SRS?” I wish I wasn’t. We’re breeding a generation of agoraphobics, an entire population of demoralized hermits who refuse to leave their homes for fear they’ll miss a groundbreaking social notification.

Technology makes an excellent liv­ing by sucking the imagination out of us all. Meanwhile, our hypnotic eyes remain fixated on fuzzy dancing pix­els and our bodies begin to mold into our sectional sofas. We have become a society linked 24/7 in an endless cy­cle of calamity. According to Forbes magazine, Facebook alone has over 1.6 billion users, or should I say 1.6 billion voyeurs spying on each other without ever having been forced to have face-to-face communication?

Social media keeps you connected to all of those people you swore you’d never talk to again. The Internet has made the never-ending search for pri­vacy next to impossible. If that isn’t bad enough, technology has created a senseless generation of know-it-alls who know absolutely nothing.

They get all philosophic on us like they’re the next best thing since Aris­totle, dropping bombs of wisdom on us like, “Anything worth having is something worth waiting for.” Please tell us more about how much of an intellectual you are. The Internet has become the world’s most accessible psychologist. I can’t wait to hear more about how horrible your day was. Look out Sigmund Freud, Zuckerberg is coming for you.

Polite disagreement? What’s that? The Internet breeds a population of world-class debaters. Oh, so you want to argue? BRING IT. I got my CAPS LOCK on and I’m ready for a digital duel. Please, I’m begging you. Post just one comeback where you spell something, come on…any­thing, correctly. Forget it, just follow @GrumpyCat on Instagram for some advice: “Row, row, row your boat, gently off a cliff.”

Tell me why we have zero mutual friends but you’re still trying to add me to your friend’s list. As face-to-face communication becomes a thing of the past, technology has allowed for all inhibitions go out the window.

Oh, sure, random guy on Face­book, I definitely believe that you are a fitness model judging by all your lovely (stolen) Sports Illustrated and Google image profile pictures. It’s like the entire world is wrapped in a cloak of invisibility, far away from any direct human interaction and free to engage in a world of anonym­ity.

Technology has provided the world with the ultimate method of avoiding responsibility. It’s too bad procrastination isn’t a major at most accredited university’s today, or col­lege students would have perfect GPA’s all due in part to their magnif­icent ability to lurk the “interwebz” for hours on end.

Okay, time to hit the books. I need to get this assignment done by to­morrow and I’m freaking out. Let me just sit down here and crack open this giant age-old textbook that reeks like homework. Hmmmm, okay, in­teresting, I see. But wait, I don’t un­derstand this term here on page 307. Let me Google that real quick. Okay, got it. Oh, hi shiny new e-mail. Don’t mind if I do. I’m just going to click on a few… OMFG, Charlie Sheen followed me on Twitter! Thought process eliminated.

Then there are those types. You know, the sitting in your basement taking pictures of yourself like you’re walking the runway in “America’s Next Top Model” or posing for the freshest, hot-off-the-press edition of Vogue types. Yeah, those. Brace yourself, it’s #SelfieSunday, the day of the week when everyone’s a pro­fessional photographer in their bath­room mirror. Oh, you took a picture of yourself looking longingly into the distance? You must be so deep.

If for one second, you truly have time to interact with anything other than a computer screen, SPOILER ALERT: there isn’t anything like catching up on your favorite show through someone else’s Facebook status. Hope you didn’t miss last night’s episode of “Walking Dead” or you’re doomed upon log-in. Don’t even bother typing in your username.

And if heaven forbid you choose to leave your house and embark on a journey outside of the confines of your Wi-Fi connected technological wasteland, it will be cloudy with a definite chance of everyone report­ing the morning forecast. Appar­ently, I’ve befriended 619 meteo­rologists. Whatever man, YOLO, the weather is weather.

At the depths of technological torture are those mouth-breathing video game superstars who chug Mountain Dew and live in their par­ents basements. After they spend three millenniums slumped in their chairs raiding dungeons, rescuing princesses from ivory towers, and slaying fire-spewing gargoyles, you hear the muffled headset sounds of “Mom – more pizza rolls!”

I guess we owe all this magnifi­cent folly to Al Gore. After all, he created the Internet, didn’t he? Didn’t he?!? BRB, must consult Google. Seeing as it seems to be all the rage these days, I’ll leave you with a little proverb of my own: “May your life someday be as awe­some as you pretend it is on Face­book.” G2G now, TTYL.

IMAGE TAKEN from meme-comics.com

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