Quarterly Film Report 1

Your Quarterly Film Report: Everything in 2019 Sucks

Last week, I finally gave up. After months of watching garbage at the movie theater, it took one movie to break me.

Watching The Beach Bum made me feel like I was losing brain cells with every second.

There I was, in a practically empty theater watching Matthew McConaughey drink booze, drug out, have sex, and fall asleep on repeat for about two hours.

Within that time frame you could see the life get sucked out of me while I slowly sank in my chair.

When I made it out of the theater (somehow alive), it made me wonder: when was the last time I saw a good movie this year? I’m not talking about something mind-blowing that could break the Marrone rating scale; just something decent.

The time seems long ago and far away when I walked out of a theater and said, “I enjoyed that one.”

The answer: only twice. The only two movies I liked this year were Stan & Ollie and Greta. Those two weren’t amazing either, but they were just enjoyable!

The other 16 movies I’ve seen so far this year have sucked in their own special ways.

Mind you, I’ve even avoided other movies that have low ratings or don’t have a decent trailer.

Before I take out the trash, I’d like to say that I’m not some sad sack who finds something to hate in every movie.

I have the AMC Stubs A-List, where I can go to the theater up to three times a week because I love going there and watching a good flick.

Why would I find pleasure in tearing apart films when I could do much better things like sitting in my room alone playing Frogger?

Now let’s jump to the batch of flicks that I thought were meh. Artic, Happy Death Day 2 U, Hotel Mumbai, Sunset, They Shall Not Grow Old, The Upside, and Us received ratings between two and two and a half stars out of four.

These are a batch of films that made me say, “eh, that was okay.”

Hotel Mumbai was compelling, but it’s not the kind of movie that I’d go out of my way to watch a terrorist attack unfold.

Plus, despite critical acclaim for Us, it’s a layered film with some entertainment value but not worth spending hours of research to find the five million easter eggs director Jordan Peele placed.

Quarterly Film Report 2The twos had some entertainment value, but it was a struggle to get through the ones. Alita, Captain Marvel, Cold Pursuit, Pet Semetary, Serenity, and Unplanned earned one to one and a half star ratings.

Yes, it’s shocking to see Captain Marvel here, but this was the first Marvel flick I’ve seen in a while and it just reinforced why I skip out on them. For its entirety, I felt nothing.

Captain Marvel felt like any other superhero movie with a formulaic plot, safe jokes, and an ending we saw coming from a mile away.

Meanwhile, Serenity received its one star rating because it was hysterical to see Matthew McConaughey take tuna fishing seriously the way he did.

Also, its ending revealed that everyone lives in a video game was completely bonkers.

I may not be a sad sack, but I’m cruel enough to give out ratings lower than one.

Climax and Glass were both victims of the Marrone rating scale cruelty.

Glass was an extremely disappointing end to director M. Night Shyamalan’s long spanning Unbreakable trilogy. The entire film is incredibly boring, because it takes place in a mental ward for over two hours.

The budget was frugal, but hey, at least they incorporated some dizzy point of view gopro shots.

Additionally, Climax was a screaming frenzy where I saw a few people leave the theater midway through.

All of the characters were unlikable, the dialogue was unnecessarily crude, and everyone was yelling at each other for nearly an hour and a half.

It was like spending a day at the DMV.

Well, I’ve taken out as much trash as I could. Believe me, if I didn’t have to keep a word count, I could’ve dedicated this full page to critique each individual dumpster fire film.

Quarterly Film Report 3However, I’d like to spare you from the rambling and it would be great to keep my blood pressure at a healthy level.

To reach that healthy level, let’s think positively toward the rest of the year.

There could be some good flicks on the horizon like Godzilla, Rocketman, Toy Story 4, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

But if John Wick Chapter 3 disappoints, I won’t go near a movie theater again (although I shouldn’t anyway after watching The Beach Bum).

IMAGE TAKEN from Nerdist