Yeah I know this issue hits stands on Dec. 4, but the jury has been out on this year since January: 2019 was one of the worst years for film in recent memory.
Nothing could go right this year. The old franchises with histories of success (Men in Black, Godzilla, Terminator, X-Men, the list goes on) bombed because of how bad and irrelevant they were. Even the films that boasted great casts and crews couldn’t escape the curse of 2019.
I would love to write a piece on the greatest films of the year, but there simply weren’t enough. Granted, there were a handful of excellent films like The Irishman, Pavorotti, and Parasite, but unfortunately, the bad heavily outweighed the good.
So folks, pour out a glass of Diet Coke, relax, and look back on some of the year’s biggest pieces of garbage with me.
10. Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood
Yes, this is quite a hot take that will get the office stirring, but Lord did I hate this movie. At two-and-a-half hours, this hunk of junk went absolutely nowhere. The hype behind this film was overwhelming, with an incredible cast of Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and Margo Robbie, along with direction by the great Quentin Tarantino who was inspired by an intriguing story of the Manson murders. However, everyone seemed to be in a fog, like the stoned hippies in the movie. I chose this film to highlight the wrath of 2019: how it took something with all of the perfect elements of acting, directing, setting, and story, but wasted it all.
9. The Beach Bum
Speaking of going nowhere, The Beach Bum, starring Matthew McCoughney, went in the same direction. To watch McConaughey booze up, drug out, and bum around for a staggering two hours was mind-numbing. Maybe he spent a few nights at Jack’s to prep for the role.
8. Serenity
Ah, welcome back McConaughey! Long time no see. The actor stumbled out of The Beach Bum then fell right into Serenity, where the twist was one of the most bizarre things ever. In this one, he’s a fisher hunting a big tuna. And watching this felt like getting hit by a can of tuna, ten times over.
7. Godzilla: King of the Monsters
How do you take a monster movie so fun and make it into a boring family drama? Release it in 2019! This might be called Godzilla, but I may have seen him for 20 minutes tops. It’s mostly about a torn apart family whining about their problems. Who cares? Let me just watch a monster destroy a city and I’ll be satisfied. Instead, this movie destroyed my precious time.
6. Replicas
Well, I guess my time isn’t that precious when I’m watching trash like this. I love Keanu Reeves, but this was even low for him. It has the typical sci-fi story of a father whose family is dead and tries to bring them back with harmful technology, yet it’s so boring and incredibly cheap. The effects look like they’re from the same person who tried to cover up Henry Cavill’s mustache in Justice League.
5. The Dead Don’t Die
Boy, did I feel dead watching this. Again, how do you take something like zombies infesting a small town with a stellar cast featuring Bill Murray, Adam Driver, and Selena Gomez so terrible? Mark that tombstone for 2019! The zombies were so boring, the jokes were bad, and even the zombies felt more alive than the living.
4. The Souvenir
Here’s another movie that sucked the life out of me. All the critics gassed this up, but it’s snobbish to the point where it’s insulting. There was nothing but meandering, dull conversations, lifeless acting, and no point to the story. The only Souvenir I received were the end credits.
3. Glass
Director M. Night Shyamalan really broke the Glass on this one. To conclude his trilogy that featured strong films Unbreakable and Split, Shyamalan underwhelmingly spent most of Glass inside a mental ward with hardly any compelling action or drama. After this, I felt like checking in with them.
2. Climax
To spend two hours of annoying, unlikable people trapped in a room constantly screaming was nauseating. Although it doesn’t reach any Climax, the film’s about someone who spikes the punch bowl at a dance party that makes everyone go insane. However, you don’t need a sip of the drink to feel your head pounding.
1. Long Shot
It wasn’t a Long Shot for this to be the worst movie of the year. Seth Rogen plays a loud-mouthed journalist—yes, Seth Rogen, who sparks a relationship with the beautiful Charlize Theron, who plays the Secretary of State. Not only is this concept mind-numbing alone, but Rogen’s character has the audacity to weigh in on her hard choices, like global climate policy. Sprinkle in foul-mouthed jokes, segments of getting high, a ridiculous happy ending, Rogen’s global political influence, and a cringy Wakanda Forever chant, and you have not only the worst movie of this year, but possibly the decade.
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